Dear Bonita, My friend just broke up with her boyfriend of four years. I’m great friends with both of them, and I was friends with them before they ever started dating. Things ended pretty badly, but she’s ready to get over it and move on. Him, not so much. […]

This is a topic we get asked about all the time, from all ages and demographics. It doesn’t matter if you are in a teenage relationship, or if you’ve been in your marriage for many years, breaking up can be tough. When we work and talk with couples, it’s not normally the the actaully break up that is causing the most grief, but how to actually move on with your life after wards.

 

 

move on from bad bad break up

The article from Flagpole is essentially a letter that was sent in:

What To Do After A Breakup

Dear Bonita,

My friend just broke up with her boyfriend of four years. I’m great friends with both of them, and I was friends with them before they ever started dating. Things ended pretty badly, but she’s ready to get over it and move on.

Him, not so much. He calls me a lot and asks me about her, though I refuse to share any information. It’s not my business, and I don’t want him pulling me into this, but he still manages to by insisting that he’s just trying to make sure she’s safe. He gets really emotional and talks a lot about missing her and needing to talk to her, and he won’t listen about just leaving it alone.

He’s starting to creep me and my friend out. She is able to keep far away from him, so I think he sees me as his connection to her, and he won’t leave me alone. He’s a very old friend of mine, and I feel for what he’s going through, but I can’t deal with all this pining and how he’s constantly bothering me about her. I wanna help my friend move on, but he seems determined not to.

The Reply

Your buddy needs to get his shit together. Maybe he’s holding out for her to give him another shot, but he shouldn’t be doing it like this. If they’re gonna get back together, it’ll happen no matter what he does, so he might as well be happy. Holding on to suffering allows us to avoid coping and healing, which can be scary if it means letting go of something we really loved or needed at one point in our lives.

Your boy is at that existential crossroads right now, and he should take the path towards healing. I don’t think he needs therapy—maybe just some good social time with you and other friends. Do the things he did before he settled into a long-term relationship, or continue hobbies he developed during that time. Hike the botanical garden, go to a show, ride bikes, whatever. He seems entirely too distraught to start dating just yet, but maybe seeing some eligible bachelorettes in public will remind him of his age, his potential and the fact that he has plenty of time to get it right.

Go grab your buddy and take him to have some fun, whatever “fun” might mean to you two. He needs to remember that life is good regardless of his relationship status. He’ll come back around.

He’s great! But he smells awful! What do I do?

Tell him so! Ask him to take showers and wear clean clothes when you’re gonna hang. If he’s mature, he won’t have a problem with that, and you can continue to date this great guy. You’re allowed to have standards, darling.

What a cool letter!